Friday, January 14, 2005

"The Transporter"

A couple of nights ago, I saw the worst movie ever made: The Transporter. And I don't mean bad as in "so bad... it's good". Or "That was a bad ass flick!" I mean really, really bad. This movie almost made me physically ill. I literally winced in anguish more than once.

Imagine this scene: The stereotypically ultra-cool main character unwillingly ends up with a runaway hostage. (Yeah, I know... it's hard to imagine such a compelling and original plot point, but try.) Now, imagine that this runaway hostage happens to be a young, sexy asian girl... oh, and she's all wet. (That was probably easier and more fun to imagine.) Next, the hero spews out something cliche like "You've been nothing but trouble since I met you." To which she of course responds by peeling off her clothes. Now, wait. I know what you're thinking: That's a good thing! Normally, I would agree. If this was porn, it'd be all good, but, unfortunately, it's not. This is a mainstream theatrical release, and the tone of this scene is serious. I mean, I couldn't even laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. I just started to feel a wrenching in my gut. But, we're not done. Our hero then continues, "What are you doing?". And her response?: "Making up for the trouble."... Ok, by that point I just about fell over in agony.

Other highlights include: The transporter claiming to have calculated exactly how much fuel was necessary to transport 3 criminals in a getaway. I mean EXACTLY. Taking into consideration their total weight and shit. Why wouldn't you just fill the fucking tank up? Or how about the cop that just intuitively 'trusts' him and allows him to get away so he can catch the REAL bad guy? Let's not forget the fact that he's stored not one, but TWO sets of scuba equipment under his house in case someone blows up the house and the need to escape via secret underwater passage arises. Keep in mind that he values his privacy, and he lives by himself, but he's got two sets. Yeah. Two. Hmmm.

How does shit like this get millions of dollars in backing? It has a swiss-cheese plot, laughable characters, and ridiculously impossible stunts. I'm not kidding. Who OK's shit like this? Cuz I got a great movie idea regarding shaved monkeys and an international petroleum jelly smuggling ring that needs about 58 million to get off the ground.

About the only good thing that came from watching this shit is that it made Anchorman more bearable. In fact, it makes all movies more bearable. Claire's even picked up on my new favorite in-movie comment: "Thank God I already saw the Transporter, otherwise I'd be watching the worst movie ever made."

2 comments:

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