I learned a new word this morning: "Infibulate". However, I don't think it'll ever come up in conversation except to talk about me learning that word. Know what it means? I doubt it. According to dictionary.com (one of my favorite sites) it means "To close off or obstruct the genitals of, especially by sewing together the labia majora in females or fastening the prepuce in males, so as to prevent sexual intercourse." (Prepuce is foreskin you biology flunkies.)
Now, how in the fuck did I come across that word? No, I wasn't on some whacked out sex site (not this time anyway.) Blame the San Antonio Spurs. Yep. The Spurs. As you may or may not know, the Spurs are one of the cleanest cut professional sports teams in America. So, don't worry, Tim Duncan isn't going to jail for infibulating a 16 year old girl or anything like that.
Instead, check this: I follow the Spurs. So, naturally, I go to sports sites. On one of these sports sites there was an article on some dude. His name is Jayson Williams. So this Jayson Williams guy is trying to get back into the NBA after being charged with a lot of bad stuff. (No, not infibulation. I'm getting to that.) Something about him and a shotgun and a dead limo driver. Apparently the dude had a clean record and his crimes were all of the 3rd and 4th degree variety. Now, the article is talking like 3rd/4th degree stuff isn't that bad. I was under the impression that 1st degree was the least 'bad'. So, being of the inquisitive mind, I started searching for 1st 2nd 3rd and 4th degree crimes. I was hoping to get some sort of table discussing their differences.
After a skipping over a few lame sites, I come upon a site detailing some of Minnesota's criminal laws. Lo and behold, there it was. They defined 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree murder. And, as I suspected, I was wrong all this time. 3rd degree is less severe than 1st degree. What was cool is that they even listed shit like manslaughter, and vehicular homicide. You know, cop show stuff. Then I saw "Female Genital Mutilation" under Assault. I was like.... WTF?
Appararently, it's illegal in Minnesota to mutilate female private parts. The thought never crossed my mind, but apparently its enough of a problem that they have a law against it. It looks like you basically can't chop anything off or do a little infibulation. Strange people, eh?
So, if you're ever in Minnesota, and you're getting that "I fell like sewing up a female" feeling. I'm sorry, buddy. You're going to have to settle for sewing male foreskin. Because only male infibulation is legal there. Man, thinking about that. Can you imagine if you're uncircumcised and they sew your foreskin together on the tip while you're flaccid, and then they take you to titty bar and buy you a lap dance? Man... that's gonna hurt. Ouch. Really. Think about it.