Monday, January 17, 2005


I learned a new word this morning: "Infibulate". However, I don't think it'll ever come up in conversation except to talk about me learning that word. Know what it means? I doubt it. According to (one of my favorite sites) it means "To close off or obstruct the genitals of, especially by sewing together the labia majora in females or fastening the prepuce in males, so as to prevent sexual intercourse." (Prepuce is foreskin you biology flunkies.)

Now, how in the fuck did I come across that word? No, I wasn't on some whacked out sex site (not this time anyway.) Blame the San Antonio Spurs. Yep. The Spurs. As you may or may not know, the Spurs are one of the cleanest cut professional sports teams in America. So, don't worry, Tim Duncan isn't going to jail for infibulating a 16 year old girl or anything like that.

Instead, check this: I follow the Spurs. So, naturally, I go to sports sites. On one of these sports sites there was an article on some dude. His name is Jayson Williams. So this Jayson Williams guy is trying to get back into the NBA after being charged with a lot of bad stuff. (No, not infibulation. I'm getting to that.) Something about him and a shotgun and a dead limo driver. Apparently the dude had a clean record and his crimes were all of the 3rd and 4th degree variety. Now, the article is talking like 3rd/4th degree stuff isn't that bad. I was under the impression that 1st degree was the least 'bad'. So, being of the inquisitive mind, I started searching for 1st 2nd 3rd and 4th degree crimes. I was hoping to get some sort of table discussing their differences.

After a skipping over a few lame sites, I come upon a site detailing some of Minnesota's criminal laws. Lo and behold, there it was. They defined 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree murder. And, as I suspected, I was wrong all this time. 3rd degree is less severe than 1st degree. What was cool is that they even listed shit like manslaughter, and vehicular homicide. You know, cop show stuff. Then I saw "Female Genital Mutilation" under Assault. I was like.... WTF?

Appararently, it's illegal in Minnesota to mutilate female private parts. The thought never crossed my mind, but apparently its enough of a problem that they have a law against it. It looks like you basically can't chop anything off or do a little infibulation. Strange people, eh?

So, if you're ever in Minnesota, and you're getting that "I fell like sewing up a female" feeling. I'm sorry, buddy. You're going to have to settle for sewing male foreskin. Because only male infibulation is legal there. Man, thinking about that. Can you imagine if you're uncircumcised and they sew your foreskin together on the tip while you're flaccid, and then they take you to titty bar and buy you a lap dance? Man... that's gonna hurt. Ouch. Really. Think about it.

Friday, January 14, 2005

"The Transporter"

A couple of nights ago, I saw the worst movie ever made: The Transporter. And I don't mean bad as in "so bad... it's good". Or "That was a bad ass flick!" I mean really, really bad. This movie almost made me physically ill. I literally winced in anguish more than once.

Imagine this scene: The stereotypically ultra-cool main character unwillingly ends up with a runaway hostage. (Yeah, I know... it's hard to imagine such a compelling and original plot point, but try.) Now, imagine that this runaway hostage happens to be a young, sexy asian girl... oh, and she's all wet. (That was probably easier and more fun to imagine.) Next, the hero spews out something cliche like "You've been nothing but trouble since I met you." To which she of course responds by peeling off her clothes. Now, wait. I know what you're thinking: That's a good thing! Normally, I would agree. If this was porn, it'd be all good, but, unfortunately, it's not. This is a mainstream theatrical release, and the tone of this scene is serious. I mean, I couldn't even laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. I just started to feel a wrenching in my gut. But, we're not done. Our hero then continues, "What are you doing?". And her response?: "Making up for the trouble."... Ok, by that point I just about fell over in agony.

Other highlights include: The transporter claiming to have calculated exactly how much fuel was necessary to transport 3 criminals in a getaway. I mean EXACTLY. Taking into consideration their total weight and shit. Why wouldn't you just fill the fucking tank up? Or how about the cop that just intuitively 'trusts' him and allows him to get away so he can catch the REAL bad guy? Let's not forget the fact that he's stored not one, but TWO sets of scuba equipment under his house in case someone blows up the house and the need to escape via secret underwater passage arises. Keep in mind that he values his privacy, and he lives by himself, but he's got two sets. Yeah. Two. Hmmm.

How does shit like this get millions of dollars in backing? It has a swiss-cheese plot, laughable characters, and ridiculously impossible stunts. I'm not kidding. Who OK's shit like this? Cuz I got a great movie idea regarding shaved monkeys and an international petroleum jelly smuggling ring that needs about 58 million to get off the ground.

About the only good thing that came from watching this shit is that it made Anchorman more bearable. In fact, it makes all movies more bearable. Claire's even picked up on my new favorite in-movie comment: "Thank God I already saw the Transporter, otherwise I'd be watching the worst movie ever made."

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

"Holidays 2004"

So here's a lookback at my Holiday:

Knee Surgery - For those that didn't know... I thoroughly fucked up my right knee whilst coming down the 9 ft end of the bowl at a skatepark. I went up, got off balance, got my foot stuck, and my knee bent sideways. Ouch. So I was told that I had torn my MCL (inside ligament) and ACL (internal ligament). The MCL would heal on it's own, but the ACL would have to be replaced. I FINALLY scheduled the surgery for the last week of December. That was trippy. I don't remember a thing after they wheeled me into the operating room. It was like... I'm in the operating room... then all of a sudden Claire is sitting next to me. WTF? I'd never had surgery before, so I'd never been "put under" before. That's some weird ass shit.

Gameboy - Anyway, after the surgery I spent the next few days in bed. I played quite a bit of my gameboy advance sp even though I have a Nintendo DS now. I mean, I was just playing Advance Wars 2 so I didn't need the clunkiness of the DS. Advance Wars... see, now that's a good series. I don't play very many games to completion, and that's especially true on the Gameboy. But the first Advance Wars was one of the few games I actually played though. Part 2 is pretty much just a mission pack, but it's still pretty entertaining. Too bad the DS game lineup still pretty much sucks. Although, I did get a new DS game this Christmas from Brent and Sean.

Feel the Magic XX/XY - So Brent and Sean gave me Ridge Racer DS, but I've been really wanting this Feel the Magic game from the guy that made Space Channel 5. It just looked cool. Dunno what else to say. So I swapped out Ridge Racer for it, and let me tell you... FTMXX/YY is the best game on the DS by far. It utilizes the DS's mic, dual screens and touch pad better than any other DS title. Sure, it's just a bunch of mini-games, but that's how I like my gaming... in bite-size morsels. FTMXX/XY just has so much style, and I just love to hear that sexy japanese accented girl say "Break Time" after ever 3rd round of every minigame. If you have a DS, trade in Mario for this game. About the only bad thing I can see about it is that it's pretty short... even by my standards.

Presents - I was really hoping to get Growlanser Generations Deluxe Pack and a DMS4 Pro chip for my PS2. Claire came through on those. :) I also got a Creative Zen Micro 5GB MP3 player. I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep it because I'm not really that big on music. But, after playing with it a bit, it won me over. I also ended up with Ratchet and Clank 3 (PS2), Baten Kaitos (GC), Fry's Gift Certificates, golf stuff, a cool new soldering iron, a couple of sweet t-shirts, and various other goodies. Over all, not a bad haul. :)