Monday, April 11, 2005


Most of you know me in real life, and most of you are quite aware of the fact that Claire and I were bestowed with a precious baby girl, Madison, on February 6th. We've had her just over two months now, and I figure I'm an expert at parenting now so let me fill you in on some shit.

Don't worry, I'm not one of those "OMG, look at my baby, she/he ownz all other babies in the world because she's mine" parents. Those people are assholes. They piss me off, and they're fucking idiots. Think about it, people. You can't say your baby ownz all other babies. For one, you haven't met all the other babies in the world, right? And while I'm comfortable saying that my baby could own most at long distance sharting*, I dare not say she's the best in the world at it. I mean, there may be a world class sharter someplace in Columbus, Ohio. I just don't know now, do I?

But there's one thing I do know... and that's what my Parenting Plan of Attack is. PPoAs can range from "I don't give a shit about my kid." to "I'm going to be an overbearing parent so my child can grow up to be a serial killer." A lot of parents don't even come up with their own PPoAs. They simply get all caught up in whatever PPoA is currently being marketed by some asshole doctor (or doctor wannabe.) They buy a bunch of lame books and videos on parenting because, honestly, they're just freaked out, and they want to do the best they can for their child. I can sympathisize with that. I've seen very intelligent people buy into some very retarded baby theories. They're just scared of fucking up their kid by doing the 'wrong' thing. But the fact is, every kid is different. They're human. They all have their own personalities, strengths and weaknesses. You can't raise them all the same.

So, yeah, what's my PPoA? Well, let's get to it.

First of all. Let's think about what a baby is. It's just a small person, right? A person that has a distinct personality. As early as being in the womb, babies have different personalities. And what gives people their personalities? Well, personalities are determined by two things 1) The Environment and 2) Their Biological Wiring.

So the DNA part... the Biological Wiring... yeah, that's pretty much fixed. For good or for bad, you have 0 choice in that regard. About all you can do is mate with someone that has dna that maybe you'd like your kid to have and then just hope it works out. :) I've seen great kids come out of rough neighborhoods with families that don't give two shits about them, and I've seen horrible kids come from loving, well-to-do parents. Need more proof? How about siblings? They were raised the same way, yet come out so different. What accounts for that? That, my friends, is biological wiring at work. So... ain't nothing you can do, but what you can do. And what you can do, is teach them as best as you can, be there when they need you, turn them loose and hope they don't turn out to be fucking idiots. That's my PPoA.

Here's just a few things I plan to teach Maddie ( Note: Claire may disagree ;) )...

- "Be polite and courteous, even when people are dicks." Yeah, this one's Claire's department. This is where I'm glad Claire and I compliment each other. I feel this is an important trait that I happen to lack.

- "Shit on TV/Movies/Games is fake." Personally, if your kid thinks he can jump off a cliff like Wile E. Coyote and live, you have bigger problems that I can help you with...

- "Stand up for what you believe in, but keep an open mind." Listening to someone else's side of the argument can only make you a better person. Even if you still disagree afterwards, at least you've learned how much an idiot the other guy really is. And if you happen to be wrong, you've still learned something. Win-Win.

- "Don't feel forced to try something just because people say you should." If you have a good reason for not trying something, don't fucking try it. Whether it be drugs, booze, or sushi. I don't believe this conflicts with keeping an open mind so long as you understand that it's ok for other people to like their shit. Honestly, people just want you to like what they like. Fuck 'em. Like what you like. And don't fall for the 'How do you know you don't like it until you try it' bullshit. I can tell whether I'm gonna like something from the smell/look/feel/understanding of it with GREAT accuracy. You'll try stuff that you feel you might like on your own.

- "Do not point out the obvious physical shortcomings of others." If you know someone's short, don't give him shit about it. If they're sensitive about their weight, don't tell them they're fucking fat or skinny. Trust me. They already know, and there's NO sense in making people feel like shit for no reason. Besides, they can't help it, and you're not perfect either. Everyone is self concious about some physical shortcoming they may have (or believe they have.)

- "Never argue with zealots." Even if your ABSOLUTELY 100% positive you're right and you have proof, you'll never convince them of it. Don't waste your time.

- "If you want to get on someone's good side, find out what their passion is and ask them about it." People love talking about themselves and what they love. This is a great tactic when dealing with people that can cause you grief.

- "Learn to read body language... well." This will get you very far in life.

- "Don't be annoying." No one likes an annoying kid, and everyone fucking hates an annoying adult.

Anyway, like I said, that's just a sampling. For more parenting tips, pre-order my book "Why you should raise your kid exactly like mine." and my soon-to-be-released DVD "If you don't buy this DVD, your kid will suffer greatly from your bad parenting."

* sharting = shitting/farting at the same time... one of the few memorable scenes from Along Came Polly.

Look at this asshole: link . Haha. Man, I hope that site's fake because I can't stand to think that there are people that retarded living amongst us.