Tuesday, November 07, 2006

"Netflix Movie Reviews"

Here's some weird shit I Netflixed recently:

Cannibal Holocaust - 3/4 stars - Italy - The first Blair Witch Project. Documentary filmmakers go to the Amazon to film cannibals. They disappear. Their film is found later and screened. The atrocities! The inhumanity! The savageness of the documentary crew towards the natives is startling! (Yes, towards the natives.) Pretty real looking guts and shit. And, oh, by the way, animals WERE harmed during the making of this film. Monkey brains extracted from a live (well, up to the point of extraction) monkey. A huge ass turtle butchered and cooked in front of your very eyes. And they kill bugs too! No shit. ASPCA eat your heart out (Get it, cannibals... nevermind.)

Mark of the Devil - 3/4 stars - German - Originally famous for passing out barf bags at every screening. It has torture scenes. Oh, my. But as you might guess, it's not nearly as disturbing in 2006 as it might have been way back when (1970.) I sought this out because it starred Udo Kier in his first big role. It was just a bonus that this was the famous "barf bag" movie I'd heard about. Udo was the awesome German guy in the Masters of Horror Season 1 episode "Cigarette Burns" directed by John Carpenter. This movie actually has some sort of story believe it or not.

I Spit On Your Grave - 3/4 stars - USA - Having selected Mark of the Devil, Netflix suggested that maybe I'd like this flick too. Oh, I dunno. It just has the longest rape seen ever in a movie. No big deal. Of course, it's really not that big of a deal. Again, this movie is old and sensationalism rarely lives up to the hype... especially decades old sensationalism. Still it's quite entertaining with a few friends and some alcohol. Plus, the chick gets the last laugh, so it's OK, right? C'mon, the alternate, though way less cool, title, "Day of the Woman" gives that away, right?

In the Realm of the Senses - 1/4 stars - Japan - According to Neflix, this movie has never been seen in Japan in its original form. Probably cuz they show too much snatch. As in any snatch. Best part? When the guy sticks a hard boild egg up said hairy snatch. And she 'lays' it out for him. He naturally eats his newly seasoned egg. Hot, no? Other than that hotness, nothing in this fucking movie made any fucking sense. Oh, wait, I forgot. She actually gives him real head on camera. Rent Download an asian porno instead.

Romance - 1/4 stars - French - Honestly, I don't even remember watching this. Again it was suggested by Netflix... this time after selecting I Spit On Your Grave. I guess it's thinking: "Like long rape scenes? Cool, try this movie 'Romance.'" I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want my sister to go out on a date with Netflix. It's kinda got a weird sense of romance. Oh, wait. I remember. This was a
shitty movie about a girl that had an affair cuz her lover wouldn't fuck her. Huh? Yeah. And her choice to do the nasty with? None other than Rocco Siefriddi... Seffiedi, Seeefreeedddiii.. or however you spell that fuckers' name. You know, the porn actor with the accent. Anyway, yeah, his dick comes out in this movie. Lame.

Lies - 3/4 stars - Korean - Old Korean guy fucks young Korean girl. They get into an S&M thing... whippings and beatings. The movie gets some props for breaking up her cherry popping scene with titles like "First Hole", "Second Hole" and my favorite and yours "Third Hole." Yes, she takes it in the cornhole on her first night of sex. Nice. Way to get 'em trained early on, old Korean guy. Then again, his life turns to shit.

Anatomy of Hell - 1/4 stars - French - More hairy bush, more Siffredi. You take the good with the bad. BTW, the good is the bush. The bad is Siffredi. Just wanted to make that clear. Let's see. A fucked up chick hires this well hung gay guy to watch her 'be sexual' with herself for a few days for no fucking reason I can remember. He ends up sleep fucking her, but not before he paints her lips bright red with lipstick. Her *pussy* lips I mean. Oh, let's not forget the part where he pulls out her tampon, and she puts it in a glass of water and they fucking drink the murky pink water. Wonderful. Guaranteed to get your date to close her fucking legs up for the night.

A Real Young Girl - 2/4 stars - French - Fucking weird movie about a 15 yr old-ish French country girl that is getting her hormones on. I never watched it all the way through. It kinda freaked Claire out. I mean, they show her bush and everything. And she really does look 15. Euros man. Crazy fuckers. Nothing much to say about it. I mean, the girl's cute. That's about it. Oh, and she throws up on herself
like no big deal in one scene. Yeah.

1 comment:

The Pharoah said...

There seems to be some kind of theme with your movie selections...three maybe. Snatch shots, rape/torture and young girls. You know...porn it plentiful on the net. They probably have some that intersect all three interests. I recommend "Earth Girls are Sleezy" Maybe...volumes 8-12?